Dearest TOSA Community!
When I first opened the email from Anam Sum Anam asking me to be the Miracle Team Member of the month, I was filled with many different thoughts and emotions. Fear, my life scripts and a childhood hurt resurfaced. I questioned why TOSA would choose me?
When I was a child, I wasn’t able to use my voice, speak my mind, or share my ideas and opinions. I believed that part of this was because I was a girl and a women’s opinion wasn’t respected in my family. At dinnertime when most normal families would discuss their day, we had to sit in silence. If we made any noise or laughed while being silly, my Father would get angry and flip the table over. It was a controlling environment, abusive, negative, paranoid, fearful, and much more. I experienced love in a distorted way. Ultimately, I felt invisible and I lacked the skills to communicate with others in the way I wanted to. I did the best I could. I actually faked being “normal.” I was a kind person, funny, silly and loving. I spent time alone in nature. I planted flowers and played with bugs. I found ways to cope with my stressful childhood. I had a few friends that accepted me just the way I was. As I got older and moved into middle school and high school, I lost touch with my closest friends and struggled to make new ones. My lack of social skills made it challenging. I didn’t feel like I fit in and like I didn’t belong. I didn’t realize back then that the lessons and hardships I experienced were gifts for my awakening. I always knew somehow that life was a test. I even wrote poems about it. My sadness and depression made me question the meaning of my own life. Why am I here? Who am I? I was always searching for the truth! I wanted the answers to life’s mysteries.
There were moments where I wanted to give up and wondered if everyone would be better off without me. I found a way to leave my home environment, go to school, and moved to the Western mountains of Maine so I could find myself. The ME I thought I was looking for, was totally different than the ME that I found!
While I was going through a divorce in 2007, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt so unworthy of being loved by anyone. I had a horrible image of myself due to the toxic relationship with my husband. It was a stressful time being a single Mother and trying to maintain a peaceful, stable environment for my son. Here I was again at a time of self –discovery but I lacked clarity. I needed some help.
One day my Dearest friend, and now CSAC, Sue Sturtevant, encouraged me to listen to Sri and Kira’s Higher Love radio. They were offering a mini class on Navigating your Inner Matrix. I listened and loved it! I felt like I found my family! I realized I wasn’t alone! This seems like such a long time ago now. This is how I discovered TOSA and the many gifts of being part of this loving community. It wasn’t until 2011 that I finally had the courage to dive into the NIM home study course. I became at MT member in 2012 and have taken many classes since then. Each time I re-listen to a class I learn more about myself and the truth of who I am.
The Navigating your Inner Matrix course allowed me to look at and heal the childhood hurts that paralyzed me from being my true self. I practiced forgiveness for all I perceived to have hurt me, released fear and anger, released expectations of others, and it helped me to discover that the pain of my childhood experience was a gift that pushed me to search for the truth that then led me to my awakening.
One of the greatest gifts for me while participating in the NIM and other teleclasses, was that I had to SHARE! Oh my gosh, I have to share MY experiences and there are other people listening to ME! The fear would choke me and I’d panic, but it was the safest most loving place for me to practice hearing my voice and sharing what I wanted to say. This is why I reacted the way I did when I received Anam’s email. It was just an old pattern and habit I learned long ago. My ego was trying to protect me from getting hurt. Listening to other student’s sharing’s has also helped me to see that I’m not alone and there’s NOTHING wrong with me. I was able to share WITHOUT judgment! We all struggled with the same life scripts! This awareness has helped me to guide my teenage son under stressful situations, especially when he openly questions the meaning of HIS life! I feel I’m able to put his heart and mind at ease that he isn’t the only person questioning his life and the state of the world we live in.
Being a MT member and student of TOSA has given me a new awareness of my everyday life experience. I catch myself thinking thoughts that don’t serve me. I have tools and practices to bring me into a more peaceful and loving state of being. I have the guidance and support of the Archangelic Realm and other light beings that love and support us. I feel so loved! I feel so welcomed, included and like I belong! I found my family! I am a Master in form!
The guidance, stability and positive support that Sri and Kira offer so lovingly to the community truly helps me to stay focused on my path. They have remained steadfast and committed despite their own personal challenges. I am in awe, and I am grateful.
There are times I forget who I am and why I’m here. I get sucked into the density experience and feel stress, worry, and doubt, and then along comes a MT message in my inbox or the monthly revelations, or a radio show topic that’s intriguing. I have grown by leaps and bounds and continue to do so each time I’m faced with a challenge. I have all of the tools at my fingertips, all of the guidance and support I need to get through this experience. I’m learning how to manifest miracles, and how I unconsciously get in the way from allowing the Universe to help me manifest them. Each experience helps me to become more of my Authentic Self. I love myself! I appreciate myself! I love life! I have come a long way baby!
Thank You to all of you, my loving supportive community of friends near and far. I love you. I smile, knowing that we’re all in this together. In this moment as I share from my heart, there’s a deeper level of healing taking place. Thank you for allowing me this gift to share my experience with you.
– Lorraine Ristano